Thursday, April 22, 2010

Our Newest Enemy in the Animal Kingdom

Friends, I have discovered  something horrifying that I must share with you all. Bees have found an unlikely ally in their war against humanity and happiness--the Hippo.

Hippopotamus amphibius, more commonly known as "Hippopotamus", "Deathbringer", or simply "Hippo", although generally considered one of the fattest and cutest animals ever, is also considered the most aggressive and ferocious creatures in the continent of Africa.
AFRICA--heard of it? It's where they have fucking LIONS.

Hippos kill 100 to 150 humans per year. To put this in perspective, BEARS kill only 5 to 10. This fatality rate puts the hippo at number 7 on the list of Top 10 Deadliest Animals in the World.
In the WORLD--heard of it? It's where they have fucking EVERYTHING.


Despite having the leg length and belly-to-ground clearance of a weiner dog, Hippos can inexplicably, magically, in defiance of all laws of physics, run 30 miles per hour.
Think about that next time you're thinking that buying a Vespa so you can commute to work without getting gored by hippos is a good idea, because it's not gonna help.

Hippos ooze a natural sunscreen from their pores, so they never get sunburned and stay looking youthful throughout their entire lives. It's kind of a win-lose though because they have to be covered in red slime all the time. Although they probably enjoy that because of how sick and fucked up hippos are.

When Hippos poop, they spin their tail around like a helicopter so as to spew their poop in all directions as far as possible. Scientists say they do this so as to spread their scent all over their territory, but WE know they do it just to be sick and fucked up.

In addition to being nature's shit sprinkler, Hippos are "retromingent", which means they pee backwards, even the males. I'm not sure if this means they have rear-facing hippodicks, but it wouldn't surprise me AT ALL.

Hippos are designed by God for murder. Their mouths can open up to four feet wide, and guess what's inside? Fucking TEETH! Teeth that make the saber toothed tiger look like a platypus. A hippo can kill you so many different ways, you will lose count halfway through the experience.

Hippos look fat and silly but they are not silly, only fat. Never make fun of a hippo's weight; he will only make himself heavier by eating you.

The Bible has a whole chapter (Job 40) about how awesome hippos are. God seems to think hippos are pretty fucking badass. And If GOD thinks you're badass, how badass does that make you? Science has no gauge for it. In fact, God somehow uses the fact that hippos are badass to justify all suffering and injustice in Creation. (Job 40:6-8) How badass is that??

JOB: Oh Lord, I am a righteous follower of thy law and have served thee faithfully all my life. Why hast thou slain all my livestock, smitten all my crops, afflicted me with painful boils and diseases, and murdered my entire family with flaming hailstones from heaven?

Check out this Hippo I made! Isn't it badass?

JOB: Damn, that thing IS badass! Nevermind about all that suffering and injustice stuff--sorry I asked!

(Paraphrased from the New King James)

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