Sunday, July 26, 2009

Hector Shelfman's stupid trip to the Zoo!


Another blog by Hector Shelfman (no relation to the actor) who looks like me and has the same job and life as me, but isn't.



Today for work at my job where I work I went to a fucking ZOO!!!

Brought this dude's son to visit him in Rehab and the dude had TICKETS TO THE ZOO! So it's just me and this gigantic black dude and his 5 year-old son strolling along like a young gay interracial couple and their adopted and/or nanomachine child, out for a stroll through the Zoo! NOBODY COULD EVEN UNDERSTAND IT.

First things first I stopped at The Zoo Cafe to get a cup of Coffee, which did not come with a lid, and when I asked for a lid, they told me I COULDN'T HAVE ONE. No explanation was offered, so I have to assume they don't want me using the cup to COLLECT AND EXPORT MONKEY URINE for some kind of messed up experiment.

By the time I got my coffee, my client and his son--we'll call them JAFAR AND LATARIAN--had totally wandered out of sight. I looked left, I looked right, but they were lost in the crowd. My prisoners had escaped!

Striding frantically down the maze of Zoo paths, scalding hot coffee sloshing out of my lidless cup onto my tender, gentle hands, I scoured the Zoo for the escapees. HAS ANYONE SEEN A BLACK GUY? I shouted into the crowd, but no one had. The Sun Bears watched
me pace past them several times, and I could tell they were laughing at me and my plight.

Fuck you, Sun Bears. YOU'RE ENDANGERED.




Since I couldn't find Jafar and Latarian anywhere, I gave up and decided to just enjoy the Zoo for what it was: A Magical Wonderland Full of Animals That Are Weird And Also Some That Are Normal. For instance, the Zoo is in Seattle, Washington, but they have a whole area dedicated to Pacific Northwest animals, like Elk and Brown Bears and Grey Wolves. LIKE I CAN'T SEE THOSE ANYTIME I WANT TO.

Another boring animal that I noticed a lot of was Squirrels. They weren't even in cages! Why do I want to see animal that's not in a cage? They were just running around in the trees and pathways like it was no big deal, and I think that the Zoo is irresponsible for allowing this to happen because squirrels are dangerous and also I saw them hanging around inside the exhibits of the actual Zoo Animals, drinking out of their ponds and standing there distracting attention away from the animals who work hard to EARN that attention, and to me that is WRONG.

GO AWAY SQUIRREL. NO ONE FINDS YOU WONDROUS.

Finally I found Jafar and Latarian, cornered in a little pathway corner, gasping for breath. After recapturing them, I continued my Zoo Tour with them in tow. We decided we'd had enough of all these bullshit birds and insects and little small creatures---it was time to find the GOOD ANIMALS.

LIONS! GORILLAS! DINOSAURS!

As usual with Zoo experiences, we were disappointed. It was hotter than Africa today so the Lions were all sleeping in their cool shady caves like lazy pieces of shit. The gorillas were visible, but they just looked at us and didn't throw poop or masturbate AT ALL. And it turned out that all the guide signs saying RAPTORS This Way ---> were just referring to eagles and hawks and that sort of thing. AGAIN WITH THE BULLSHIT BIRDS!

One thing about birds that was interesting was the Flamingos. They were all standing around in their pond, just being pink and spiky-haired like a bunch of little bitches, and there was this one white Swan standing way far away from them all, with its face right up against the glass, just looking at us like "Get me out of this Flamingo pen! I don't belong in here! I'm a SWAN for chrissakes!" And you know what? He was right. But there was nothing me or Jafar or Latarian could do about it. So we just left him there. It was pretty messed up.

Another thing that happened that was pretty cool was that there were these two little girls walking around with a little Puppy in their arms, and this Zoo Staff Man walked by them and stopped, turned around, pointed at what was clearly, manifestly a Puppy, and asked, "IS THAT A PUPPY?"

"Yes," the little girls said, and the Zoo Staff Man pointed again at the tiny, fluffy, practically newborn Puppy and asked, "IS IT A SERVICE ANIMAL?"

"Huh?" the girls said, and then the Zoo Staff Man grabbed them and took them back to their mom and ejected them all from the Zoo, because of the Zoo's NO PUPPIES rule. Just another example of the ways in which society demonizes puppies, WHILE GIVING SQUIRRELS EVERY ADVANTAGE.

After that we just walked around until we were sunburnt and thirsty and since Jafar couldn't afford to buy Latarian any food the entire day, I took Latarian back to his foster home and Jafar went home to Rehab. ALL IN ALL IT WAS A GREAT DAY AND I HAD A LOT OF FUN AT THE ZOO.




















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