Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Two things I thought about while Christmas shopping this year

1. Don�t wear a red shirt if you�re shopping at Target because people are going to ask you about bath and bedding and let's face it you have no idea which aisle that shit is in.

2. You know how department stores will have a set of entry doors, and one of them is automatic and one is manual? What not two automatic doors? They couldn�t afford two automatic doors? These international retail chains couldn�t spring for one more electric door on their billion dollar megastore? The architect just couldn�t sell the CEO on this idea?

�You want doors that do WHAT?�

�Open on their own, sir. Automatic doors.�

�Why the hell would anyone need that?�

�People are going to be going through these doors with a lot of bags in boxes, shopping carts, children, automatic doors make it much easier to get in and out.�

�Sounds expensive.�

�Not really, sir. They run on electricity. It�s 2008.�

�Alright pencil pusher, you can have your doors. But only ONE per store! We�re not running the World�s Fair Expo here.�

That has to be it, right? I can�t think of one possible reason someone would PREFER manual doors. Are they put there just for old-fashioned folks who insist on opening doors for ladies no matter what? Even when it�s extremely awkward and impractical and the door opens inward and you have to jump in front of them and lean way in and try to inch out of their way and make a big scene? And speaking of that what�s the protocol for opening doors for dudes? Is it ever expected? When a dude opens a door for me, I experience an uncomfortable pause before I realize I�ve just been vaguely emasculated, and then dart quickly through the door to minimize the duration of the awkwardness. If I ever lose my arms, though, like maybe in a swordfight or a luge accident, please do open the door for me, even if you're a dude, or even if you're a lady. That would be nice, especially if it�s a pulldoor, because I could probably open a pushdoor without having any arms, but a pulldoor? Not so much. Not so much.

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