Monday, May 5, 2008

BEE CIVIL WAR!

Have you heard the news lately?

Recent reliable reports and research reveals radical reductions in the regional bee population, resulting in the rising rarity of these roaming rapscallions. Reason for rejoicing, right? Rong!

It turns out it�s only honey bees that are dying out. Honey bees are unique to their species in that they are even-tempered, relatively harmless, and very small--hardly any bigger than a common house cat. It�s fairly obvious what is happening here�Bee Civil War.

Think about it. Not only do honey bees not actively seek out humans to torture and kill for sport, they actually help mankind by producing a variety of sweet and/or waxy products. This is no doubt considered an unthinkable outrage to hard-line traditionalist bees--yellow-jackets, hornets, etc--and more than enough cause to start a vengeance war. Once mainstream science finally recognizes the terrifying threat posed by bees and begins to study their complex cultures, I think we will start seeing what�s really going on here: Honey bees being herded into mass graves, impaled and stung to death by yellow-jackets, the footage looping endlessly on Youtube.

(Average Honey Bee)

What we as Americans need to do is stop being so short-sighted. We need to start wearing our prescription glasses. Sure glasses can look nerdy, but sometimes they actually look totally hot. And they make you look smart. Because this honey bee extinction issue isn�t about us running out of honey or the �ecosystem� being upset in some way. This is about giant flying monsters with four foot stingers. Honey and the ecosystem are minor casualties. This is about the very survival of our species.

(artist depiction of common hornet)

Wake up, people. Next time you see a honey bee, stop and thank it for its service to this country. Stick a flag pin on it. Next time you see a non-honey bee, kill it. It�s as simple as that. Well, if you see a non-honey bee, run, obviously. But if you can somehow kill it while running, then by God do that. That�s all I ask. That�s all we can do. Good luck.








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