Thursday, March 6, 2008


Judging by the sudden severe drop in traffic to this blog, it appears that my harmless family-friendy little hydro-colonic story squeezed a large chunk of readership right out the back door. When did you all everybody get so sensitive, huh? You got a tube up your butt or something?

Anyway, I'm pretty busy lately working on revising my novel The Inside, so rather than leave the colonic blog sitting there on the top of the page for weeks like some impacted fecal matter, I decided to write something sweet and clean and fresh-smelling to possibly counteract the offense created by that entry, and woo back some of my dainty readers. So I wrote you all fairy tale, with princesses and unicorns and sugar and spice. No poo anywhere in this story, honest to Gob Bluth. Here we go.

The Story of the Fairy Queen-Size Princess Prince Fan

Once upon a time in some totally foreign country like Iraq but with unicorns instead of guys with beards there was this really fat princess named Princess who was a huge fan of Prince, incidentally, even though this was in castle times and Prince hadn't been invented yet and also music hadn't either. She wore pink dresses all the time because all girls like pink because it's what color their pee pees are, even in castle times, and she never watched TV because they didn't have TV yet, or even movies. The closest thing they had to TV was looking out the castle windows at flocks of sheep, and they called that "watching Castle TV". So when someone said "I'm gonna go watch Castle TV", you would know what they meant and you'd know they were really just looking out the window.


One day Princess realized that she was tired of being so fat so she decided to start exercising. But they didn't have exercise in castle times, because no one needed to exercise because in castle times they got exercise just by standing there holding huge awesome swords, and there were no gyms or anything and everyone was super buff and hot just by being born and being alive.


So Princess didn't understand what was happening to her because she was the only fat person at that time in history and no one understood that, so she got depressed about it and ate ice cream and watched Castle TV all day, which made her even fatter in a vicious cycle. Oh also, she was a Fairy, it says so in the title of this story, so she had wings, but she couldn't fly because she was too fat and because fairies aren't even real.


This was castle times so of course there were some unicorns and what a lot people don't realize or don't want to accept about unicorns is that most of them play bass. They're really good at it too, like they can play crazy hard stuff but also be really tasteful, and ALL of them can do it, so it was a problem because between the human musicians and all the unicorn bass players there were way more bass players than guitarists or drummers, so it was very hard to put bands together, and a lot of bands started appearing with two or three bass players and no drummer. This is why there were no really important rock albums until the 90s.


One day Princess went to a live show of one of the biggest bands in the world which was an all-unicorn and all-bass band, there were five members and they all played bass, so the music was kind of confusing, especially because they all played electric bass but electricity or bass amps hadn't been invented yet, so you had to listen really hard. When the lead singer and lead bass-player of the band (he even sang in bass) saw Princess, he knew she was born to be a star because she was one of those girls where you can see a really pretty face outlined inside all the fat, so he asked her if she wanted to be in the band. She totally freaked out and started making out with him right there, and after they were done making out and they shared a Salt Lick together (because afterall unicorns are still just horses, deep down inside) then Princess agreed to join the band. She had this idea to take a Snare Drum, which were used as cereal bowls in those days, turn it upside down and hit it with a stick to make percussion sounds, which was totally revolutionary at the time, and so she became the first Drummer in castle times, and was a huge influence on bands like Daft Punk in the future. So the band got even more popular and Princess and the unicorn lead singer and bass player got married but couldn't have kids because it would be weird if they did it, and they lived happily ever after, except eventually they both died.


The End

On another note, in a bizarre turn of events, my hit-single short story, "I Am a Zombie Filled With Love", has been translated into Portuguese by a very popular Bible-Satire blogger in Brazil. So, if you prefer your zombie autobiographies in the dulcet tones of Portuguese, you can read it HERE.

And on that same note, I need to start submitting this story to some short story magazines. Do any of you have any suggestions on what magazines or literary journals might be a good fit for this story? I've already tried McSweeney's, and I'm not sure where to turn from there.

Thnx k bye

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